Too Quick To Judge

Time really past like crazy when you are busy with stuffs, either with work or non-work related things. It's been more than a month since I last blogged and it isn't really a good sign. It means that I was busy for the wrong thing. Wait, am I too quick to judge myself?

I figured that if I don't pen down my thoughts now, it'll be gone forever. I really love how I communicate with my innerself through blogging. So here it goes.

People judge. They all do.
When I say that I don't judge, it doesn't mean that I really don't judge. It just meant that I don't intend to give an immediate conclusion to things I see and observe. I do have a first impression, but I welcome more insights and other points of view. People all judge. It's human nature. It's how our brain processes things. (Yes, how our brain works is a wonder but I'm not going into that since it's not my field of study.) A lonely girl snailing down the streets. The use of lonely here is judging. It's as simple as using an adjective.

#throwback
I took a long 45minutes walk back to Point B from Point A. Normally, it takes less than 20minutes. I have no idea why but my mood was down to earth. As I walk, tears fell freely. I tried to cover, hoping that no one saw and no one judged. I fear of judgement and I used to fear it a lot more than now. Strangers won't bother knowing what's happening at the back of your mind. Others don't feel you until they ask you why.

I tend to always have the default tired-looking face. In the past when others asked why I look so sad, I shook my head in silence. They judged, in the general way, not in the negative way that we all use now when we say "STOP JUDGING". They think that I am perpetually sad. They feel that emo-ing is all I do. I just don't know if I should tell, and I don't know what I should say. You know, I type and write better than I speak. I dislike speaking because I'm afraid that I'm too fast to speak that I am not filtering what I say. I don't want to end up like an idiot - I don't wanna get judge. Now? I will happily tell people that it's my default face, I am neither sad nor tired. I am just me. Judge in whatever way that you want because that part of me doesn't matter anymore. So, I often used my default face to make people less judgy of me, since they already have a judgement. Instead of people asking why I'm sad or tired when I really are, less people bother now. "Nah, she just looks like that most of the time". Often, I get this when there's something really going on in me. Most probably my family and friends find it almost normal when I just sleep in car or don't talk at all. But at times, I'm just so down that I don't feel like talking.

I do procrastinate. But procrastinating and doing something else doesn't mean that I really am an ultimate procrastinator. I feel no sense of achievement at times when I do the things that I need to do. I need to find meaning and see the point in doing before I do. Hence, my activation energy for most things is really high. People see that I chill most of the time; they thought that I am too free. However at times, I'm close to just giving up. Giving up on everything that I am doing in school now. Sometimes, I do feel the need for counseling to get rid of this negative thought. But then again, what will it change? In the end, I am the one who will want the change. Nobody can help. I'm alone in my own war. 'Cos forcing doesn't really work on me.

At times I procrastinate to do the things that I enjoy, things that makes me happy. I often go about the approach of "先甜后苦". People say to do the things that makes one happy. As long as I feel happy (and often feel guilty after not doing any work), what really matters at the end of the day?

What's more important? Being happy, or feeling "accomplished"? Honestly speaking, I do not have an answer.